There, I am so proud! I sliced it and roasted it last night with new potatoes, carrots, butternut squash, onion, garlic and chilli. It was lovely, then I had my friends home grown rhubarb cooked up with a little sweetener and a little dollop of ice-cream. Just yummy.
There is a connection, which I didn't realise at the time I started growing vegetables that I didn't link to what I am going to tell you today, but subconsciously I must have already been looking for a way to push myself forward.
My last counselling session ended a few weeks ago, and in the last few sessions I had began to talk about some of the things that have happened to me in my life, I found myself talking about things that I had sort of disconnected myself with. I can quite openly talk to someone about it but I don't believe it really happened to me.
Some of these things I cannot share with you as my children and my family read my blog. As I talked to my counsellor about these things, I was very factual, I explained that there have been two very significant periods of time in my life which I think about every day, the first one happened when I was 17, and even though I have detached myself from it, it has been a moulded me into the person I am today, this is the person I no longer want to be, I want to stop thinking about it every time I walk past certain parts of the village where I live, I want to stop having these flash backs whenever I hear a similar voice or smell a smell as I did all those years ago. The second big thing was loosing my Dad.
Dad had a heart attack on Sunday 9th Feb, 1997. I was there, and I tried to help him. I have re lived that day every day in the 19 years he has been gone.
I remember every word spoken, every smell, every single movement of that day.
I still see his face that morning and I can still feel his skin on my finger tips.
I am trapped in a world of memories that I need to lay to rest. Various other things have happened along the way as they do to everyone, other relatives have passed on, the hardest of which was my Grandad, Dads dad, as he and Dad looked very alike, mind you that's where their likeness stopped as their mannerisms were completely different.
The relationship with my children's father broke down and ended and of course the sight loss.
I am not here to give my ex a slagging off, but even to his own admission, he is not the listening kind of bloke, he was always one to go off on his own to think if something awful had happened, leaving me to deal with the kids and my own emotions, which I always managed to tuck away and ignore.
As I have told you before, I work with children with severe special needs, over the 13 years I have worked there, 3 of those children have passed away, you build a bond and a trust with these children, and to loose a child that you spend hours a week with, teaching them how to use the loo, or write their name, of even looking for the smallest glint of recognition in their eyes, is heart breaking, but we have to disconnect ourselves with this, its not our job to grieve along side the parents and their families, but silently we do.
Anyway, I down loaded all this onto my counsellor, and I found it hard to relate her replies to me! Its really hard to explain, but I have spent so many years detaching, that I have become emotionless and empty. I cannot love, trust or look forward to anything. I am not miserable because I have learnt to put on a brave face.
But she was so kind and she made me stop and think, forcing me to reconnect myself. In one email, she had said that my pervious email had moved her to tears, so I re read it and couldn't see where I might have caused this to happen.
In her last email, she mentioned that maybe I am suffering from something called post traumatic stress, I was a little confused as I thought that this was something that happens to solders who see some terrible things happen. I was clearly very ignorant about this. After a visit to my GP who after listening to a brief summery of my life events agreed that I do have PTS.
I knew nothing about PTS at all, and she offered three options, 1, more counselling, to be honest, I know what the problems are, I want to learn how to move on and not keep going over the same ground.
2, antidepressants, no thank you! How am I supposed to know when I feel better if its being masked by a pill? Also, not long after Dad passed away I was prescribed some, but they made me so sick, and I am a real baby when it comes to being sick!
3, cognitive therapy. Now this is where my life has started to change. I have taken this option and I am waiting for a date to start.
My doctor recommended a book to buy and read while I am waiting for a date, and after reading it, I understand that
thisis where my courgette comes in, its about finding yourself and noticing where you are in the world. Nurturing and learning to love again. x
Hi Dear,
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